Have you noticed that lately you have been running into a lot of angry people – in parking lots, stores, on the roads, at your job, or even in your house? (Angry kiddos, anyone?) Perhaps you are the angry person that other people are running into. I don’t know if it’s the aftermath of being locked up for so long during the quarantine, differences of political views, frustrations with life, or everything in-between, but tv, news and social media are filled with stories and images of the devastating aftermath of anger. As a result, anger management classes are thriving, and many of my clients are also seeking help with managing their anger.
Many tools are available for dealing with anger. They enable individuals to control their negative and sometimes even aberrant responses, that after being triggered, include everything from yelling and profanity to acts of violence. While these tools are helpful, they don’t get to the root of why the anger is there, and that is ultimately problematic. Here’s why.
Anger is like the fruit on a tree. In the fall, we love to go apple picking in orchards in our area. However, if you wait until too late in the season to go, all the apples have been picked off the trees. (I remember my shock and dismay the first time this happened!) Yet, the wonderful thing was that the next year, there were thousands more apples to be picked. Anger is much like this, in the sense that if we use a tool to “pluck it off” the tree (“the tree “in this analogy being us), that anger will surely be replaced by more. Not only is the new anger often about the same thing that angered us the first time, but it also returns even more intense than it was before. The reason why this happens is the tree, along with all its roots, is still there left untouched. Unless the root is addressed and cut off, more fruit, in this case anger, will continue to be produced.
So, how should we solve this problem? We do it by laying the axe to the root (Matthew 3:10). Anger is often (but not always) a secondary emotion that covers up other emotion(s) that go suppressed and unexpressed. For example, a person may get irate and yell at a spouse when they feel pain and sadness caused by real or imagined fear of abandonment and rejection. Even more noteworthy, that same person may have experienced abandonment and rejection throughout their lives from other meaningful friends or loved ones. This is significant because, these “roots” of pain, that have gone unresolved and unprocessed, have caused the development of maladaptive coping mechanisms that are defiling those currently around them. This is exactly what is described in Hebrews 12:15 NIV which says, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
Getting to the root of what is causing your anger involves vulnerability and willingness to explore the primary emotions that are hidden, like in the instance of the underlying fear, sadness, abandonment and rejection from the previously mentioned example. Ask yourself, “Why am I angry?” Even if the anger stems from a response to something that someone said or did, what did that act cause you to feel besides anger? Did you feel disappointed, overwhelmed, embarrassed, inferior, etc.? The possibilities are endless, and it’s most likely that your anger only scratched the surface. Make up your mind to take the time to get to the root cause of your feelings, and then if you feel safe, communicate with the person, with whom you’re angry, about how they made you feel. Rather than a defensive wall being erected to protect themselves from the angry assault, a bridge to understanding, and possibly forgiveness and reconciliation, can be created instead. If the person is not someone with whom you can feel safe discussing your feelings, find another safe person, such as a mature and trusted friend, pastor, or counselor with whom you can talk, rather than suppressing your emotions. Writing about your feelings in a journal or note on your phone is also helpful because you don’t ignore and completely “stuff down” how you’re feeling. If you do these things, you’ll be closer to breaking the unhealthy patterns of coping with your feelings and developing healthy emotional regulation.
For more help on dealing with your anger, schedule an appointment with Alicia or Maribel, a new therapist who will be working with her.